The best version of me?? Where is she....

I just realised I've been the worst version of myself. Watching Mish's video just made me realise how awful I've been. I'm actually quite sad now.

When things happen I revert straight to old habits and then hate myself. Why the heck can't I get my eating under control, some days I just eat and eat and eat.

I don't like who I am at the moment, I hate putting my jeans on only to realise I look like crap, I hate getting dressed to go somewhere and feeling like I look like shit.

I need this, so why can't I get my head around this??? It makes me so mad.

Maybe I need to focus on the positives and change my outlook which in turn will change my headpsace. Some of the positives are:

• I no longer drink alcohol every night of the week - at most it's a beer or 2 1-2 nights per week.
• I'm loving getting up on a Saturday and not being hungover.
• I love that my partner doesn't drink as much anymore cause he doesn't have a 'drinking buddy' at home anymore.
• My blood pressure is 'normal' again.

Damn it, this is so hard. I never thought it would be easy, but why does it have to be so hard.

Lots of thinking to be done tonight. Need to sort my head out.

I'm sure I'll get there.

Day 3 & 4 - feeling great

I finally have a spare moment to update.

I LOVE WEDNESDAY'S!
Weighed in yesterday morning and I have lost, since Monday, 1.8kg. I stepped on and off a few times, and there is no error, that it what I have lost.

Once again, this reinforces that although I have been exercising, getting my eating right is a major step in my success.

The day went pretty well food wise.

LIGHTEN UP A LITTLE
Exercise - none! There were some jobs I need to get done at home before we go away on Friday. Sometimes life gets in the way. I used to feel guilty about not exercising which then lead to binge eating cause that old excuse of 'you haven't exercised today, so why bothering anymore' would pop into my head. I am learning that sometimes thing happen, accept it and move on. Catch the session up another day or work twice as hard tomorrow.

As a trade off, Sunday will not be a rest day for me.

I know we made a commitment to Michelle, and some may say that I am not committed, but by accepting what has happened and moving on, I am getting rid of old habits and not falling off the wagon.

Sometimes I feel we are too hard on ourselves. Life is not going to run to our plan all the time. We need to have mechanisms and mind sets in place to help us deal with these times - and binge eating and junk food do not form part of these.

DAMN
Worst part of the day - I think I've become a GLEEK! What a great show.

TODAY
Food is all on track today.

Slowly I am getting used to not eating a snack at morning and afternoon tea. I have found that I was definitely eating to a 'routine' and not because I was hungry. Now I have a drink of water and wait for 20 mins. Having said that, I did have a snack this morning, but I was hungry.

Exercise will be the advanced gym session tonight. Will be burning 500cals + before I leave the gym.

MAGIC 500
Another discovery this round is with my training.

As I currently weigh 63.6kg, it is really hard for me to burn 500 cals each session. With Monday's advanced outdoors session I only approx 360 cals and I was buggered.

In the previous rounds I would push and push until I clocked up that magic number. If I'd had endless hours in the day or time to have a nap in the afternoon, it would have been ok. But, instead I am usually at work from 8am each day, the gym opens at 6am, most days I work back late (am a part business owner), then there is stuff to do at home (farm), and I managed to 'train' myself into the ground. At times I was absolutely exhausted, but hey hit the magic 500.

This round I am sticking to the training for that day. So if Monday's outdoors session only burns 360 cals for me, so what. I get my cals up for the weights sessions by lifting heavier weights and by moving quickly between exercises and sets. I will be doing Super Saturday. Now, don't ever doubt that I wont be pushing myself, cause I would like to hit the magic 500, instead I will be choosing to be happy with my effort regardless of how many cals I burn. So, to be happy with effort I will be training with integrity.

WEEKEND
Can't wait till tomorrow. We are heading to Dubbo (not looking forward to the 7hr drive) but at the other end will be my gorgeous little niece waiting for me. Millie is 2 months old and it will be the first time I get to see her, so I'm a tad excited. It will probably be the easiest trip I've ever done to Dubbo.

Better fly, work calls again

Day 2 - whoo hoo

I slept in this morning, totally ignored the alarm. I'm actually quite enjoying sleeping in. Have decided to allow myself this luxury for this week only.

But, I have made a deal with myself, if I want to sleep in, I must do my workout of an afternoon - so far its working well.

Food was all on track today, even managed to survive from brekkie to lunch without a snack - and shock horror - I didn't die!

Went to the gym tonight and did the advanced weights workout and smashed out over 500 cals. Was feeling pretty chuffed with my day!

Then I get home and my father in law is here (I will not go into what I think of him and why - its too long of a story). It looks like him and my OH spent the afternoon down at the shed drinking beer.

By the time I got home it was just past 7pm, I was really hoping to be able to sit down and watch the remainder of the live feed. But no, nothing even looks like being prepared for dinner.

And OH wonders why I get the shits. Just once I would like to be able to treat this place like a bloody motel/restaurant.

Maybe I just need to chill out and it is only minor in the big scheme of things, but it pisses me off. There's my rant for the day.

On the plus, I didn't turn to binge eating or alcohol to deal with my feeling, instead my little blog was my friend tonight.

Tomorrows agenda will involve getting up early and dancing my way onto the scales, gym for the advanced Wednesday session, then work, work, work and even more work.

Let see how I go, battle number 1 will be getting up when my alarm goes off!

Day 1 - done and dusted

So far, so good.

Was under cals for the day and I did the advanced outdoor workout tonight.

I was worried that I'd put up all the excuses under the sun to not exercise tonight, but I just came home, put my gear on and out I went.

I have a 15min drive home, so I think that I will be downloading the 12wbt podcasts to listen to on my way home to help keep me on track for the evenings - when things usually go pear shaped.

Am working out in the gym in the morning. Have my bag and brekkie packed, I just need to get up and make my lunch and dart out the door at 5:45am. I will make mornings my friend again. Alarm clock will be residing across the room tonight, might even put it out in the hallway.

Hope you all had a great day. Lets rock this round! Only 83 days to go......

Week 1, Day 1 - here I go again, with a different outcome

New round, new blog!

Day 1 - nervous YES, scared of failing YES determined YES

I can do this. I weighed in this morning and I need to lose 10kgs. 12 weeks, 10kgs, no worries.

I know that I start out all motivated and with grand plans and when I hit a speed bump, everything goes out the window (or should I say in my mouth!).

This round will be about changing my mindset. I need to understand that life will throw things at me, and the test will be how I deal with these.

My favourite quote related to this journey is:

"if hunger is not the problem, food is not the answer"

I need to remember this. So simple, so true.

I am aiming to blog each day. I need to put down what I'm eating and what exercise I'm going to do. I don't care if noone reads it, I want to use this as a tool to help me. And yes, I will be bloggin when issues pop up.

Todays plan:

• Breakfast - oats with apple, 1/2C milk, cinnamon and brown sugar (slowly I will get myself off the sugar)
• Lunch - Ham and salad wrap, mandarin
• Dinner - grilled salmon and steamed veges
• Snack - black coffee, prunes, cuppa soup

• Exercise - advanced outdoor workout this afternoon

Have a great day everyone